Though I regret that you have come to us under these circumstances, I hope you will find some encouragement here.

It's incredibly difficult when an adult child becomes estranged from you. The pain is so deep, and it can feel like you're mourning the loss as if it were a death. Any little thing can bring back all the heartache, making it feel like you're starting over from the beginning. It's a never-ending and incredibly painful experience. Healing from it is a tough journey, and all you really want is to have your son or daughter back in your life. Unfortunately, for some of us, that reconciliation might never come.

Countless books and articles delve into this subject, yet most tend to portray the parent as the "villain" who should be completely cut off, regardless of the circumstances, however, life is rarely so black and white. Assuming that all parents who have been estranged from their adult children are automatically at fault is both absurd and irresponsible. Conversely, there are some who argue that an adult child must always accept any actions from the parent and never sever ties, regardless. I find this extreme viewpoint equally disagreeable.

In John 16:33, Jesus, speaking to his disciples before his crucification, told them that in this world they would have trouble. This is something that is applicable to us in the church age today as well. For a parent who has the belief that the bible guarantees us a trouble free life, where we live in family harmony. I’m sorry to say… we do not find that promised to us in scripture. God does not guarantee us loving children. We are not guaranteed loving relationships with our family, just like we are not guaranteed health or wealth. What we are guaranteed though, is that God will not leave us. That he is right here with us in our heartache and he will not abandon us in our pain and grief. 

Psalm 59:16-17: “But as for me, I shall sing of Your strength; yes I shall joyfully sing of Your loving kindness in the morning. For you have been my stronghold and a refuge in the day of my distress. O my strength, I will sing praises to You; For God is my stronghold the God who shows me loving kindness.”

While it’s true that at times, horrific things some parents have done have resulted in their adult children removing themselves from their lives, and for just cause. This ministry is for the parents who have, without a doubt done the best they could. They were not harsh or cruel, they did not abuse or mistreat. While they were not perfect….. they loved, supported, and raised their children with kindness, respect, and encouragement. They raised them up the way the Lord wanted them to go, according to His plan for them individually.

Having rules and expectations does not make one a cruel or abusive parent. Refusing to refer to your adult child by their “preferred pronouns” or “another name” is not cruel either. We find ourselves in a time like no other. Where honesty, which was once a respected trait in others, is now viewed as “hate”.  We must remember that Jesus says, satan is the prince of this world, and so what the “world” views as good and right will NEVER line up with God’s word. 

I can tell you in my situation, without a doubt, that we had a close loving family. And we had no idea that our daughter was plotting something that would be so devastating to the rest of our family. I can say this with confidence, because even my daughter, who has chosen to be estranged from us, has said that very thing up until the day she walked out of our lives.

It would be reveled to us that our daughter was not the young woman of integrity and honor that we all thought her to be. It would be revealed she had lied to us for 504 days leading up to her departure. Her lying would be the catalyst to her estrangement from our family. To this day she has not apologized for being, a liar. She does not believe we are justified in feeling any hurt by her deception and has denied some of the family any opportunity to express their feelings by shutting them out completely. She does not want to admit, if you are not a trustworthy person, it comes at a cost. At this time, she has chosen to see herself as the victim instead of the reality, that she is the perpetrator, because of her lies.  

We believe in the biblical model of forgiveness. If at some point we were to have any reconciliation, that can only be an option if she first apologizes, and second, proves she could be trusted. The bible does not call us to accept any behavior directed toward us. 

She walked, or should I say “ran” out of our lives. She did it behind our backs. After her departure, she proceeded to do what I describe as an escalated minimization of contact, which quickly devolved into her completely cutting off all contact. She has gone on to change her phone number. We do not have this new number. 

On this website, I will share resources to help you. They are things that have helped, and are currently helping me.

What I will not do, ever, is promise you that the pain will go away. I can’t promise that, I wish I could.

While I can’t offer a way for you to fix the relationship you are mourning. I will pray for you to draw closer to God in your personal study time, and to depend on Him. To draw closer to those in your local church family who also have experienced or are currently living through estrangement. I have felt the hand of compassion, been extended prayers and great comfort from many wonderful godly women at my church, that are also suffering through estrangement. You are not the only one suffering this pain, this I can assure you. 

God’s word has been a light to me during this dark time and I pray the same for you.

Psalm 31:9:  “Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; My eye is wasted away from grief, my soul and my body also.”

If you'd like to know more...Here's our story……

Wednesday, October 25, 2023. A typical Wednesday evening. Our family went to church for the bible study. Our daughter usually joins us, but she informed us that her lingering cough from a recent cold kept her from attending. She was 21 years old. 

During the bible study, she messaged my husband, stating that she was spending the night at a friend's place and would speak to us the next day. Upon our return home, it became apparent that she wasn't just staying over at a friend's house for the night, as her closet was devoid of clothing.

We discovered the “friend's” residence was actually her boyfriend's residence. My husband messaged her boyfriend requesting her return, but he refused, expressing his support for our daughter's “choice”. What choice? We would soon find out. This young man had been her friend for 8 months. According to what she shared with us, he appeared to be a decent young man. She described him as a Christian and an EMT, mentioning that they were friends. Just three weeks earlier, he had asked her to be his girlfriend during dinner at a charming restaurant. 

We had only briefly interacted with this young man. I will not delve into the fabrication she used to keep us from interacting with him, except to say…. the manipulation and deception she used was strong. However, upon reflection, we realized it was to prevent her intricate web of lies from surfacing, both to us and to him.

Prior to this, she informed us that she had put her faith in Jesus on June 9, 2022. From that moment on, she had been actively attending church, attending two bible studies, reading the bible, engaging in prayer, asking for prayers, and appearing to live out her faith genuinely. Hence, we had been under the impression that she was a Christian. She gave no indication to suggest otherwise. Additionally, she claimed that the young man was a Christian. She additionally deceived us by claiming that she would not enter into a relationship with a non-Christian man. She doubled down, telling us how they discussed the Bible, watched Bible studies, and were progressing in their faith jointly. She even brought him to church once for show, while explaining that he couldn't attend regularly due to work commitments on Sundays. She invested significant effort in fabricating lies in order to manipulate the situation.

She arrived at our house with her boyfriend the day after “her departure”. Initially, she refused to come inside and preferred to talk outside, which seemed utterly ridiculous.

While they were seated in our living room, my husband asked her, "Let me ask you something. Are you a Christian?" She replied, "No." My husband posed the same question to her boyfriend, who also answered, "No, I'm not." It was at that moment that we discovered she had been deceiving us for 17.75 months (504 days) about her true identity. She proceeded to give absurd excuses for her sudden departure, none of which were truthful. The other five family members were all equally shocked.

The day following the incident, I had promptly contacted our Pastor, before our daughter and her boyfriend arrived for a meeting, and shared with him all the details of what had occurred. 

I am sharing the biblical guidance he provided us with, in the hope that it may benefit others in similar circumstances. Please note that these are personalized notes I took from his advice tailored to our specific situation.

If she and her boyfriend were christian, this would be applicable:

Both of you claim to be followers of Jesus. Nevertheless, your actions are contrary to the teachings of the Bible, as living together outside of marriage is considered a sin. Just as Jesus confronted the Samaritan woman at the well for her living arrangements, we are also called to abstain from sinful behavior. Your actions are in direct violation of the scriptures, and you are deliberately choosing to go against them. It is important to remember that God does not bless willful disobedience to His word.

If you adhere to the Christian faith, it is evident that you may not be fit to guide our daughter spiritually. Such actions are inappropriate for a young Christian woman. This behavior is not in accordance with the teachings of Christ and places her in a compromising position. You are supposed to follow Christ's path, but it seems you are veering towards the road to destruction.

Addressed to our Daughter: Moving forward, it is imperative that you take full responsibility for your own expenses and become financially independent from us. We cannot continue to support you on a detrimental path that puts our daughter at risk. While you are always welcome to join us for a meal, we are unable to provide groceries or stock your fridge. Our home remains open to you if you wish to return, without fear of judgment or harsh treatment. You are welcome to live with us again at any time. Additionally, you are always invited to share a meal with us or simply spend time together here. However, the financial support you once received while living here will no longer be available.

Our daughter portrayed herself as someone she was not. While she “acted” like a Christian and went through the motions of living out her faith outwardly, she never truly believed in Jesus internally. Obviously, christianity involves living a life centered on having put our faith in Jesus and taking His word (the bible) seriously.

In an instant, it became clear to us that all her professed beliefs and way of life were nothing but a facade. We became aware of the deceitful tactics she employed to control our perception. Individuals who are not Christians are not expected to live like Christians ,we do understand that. Nevertheless, as we tried to make sense of the situation, we couldn't help but grieve the profound betrayal we had just experienced.

My husband, retired after serving 22 years as a police officer. He had moved out of his parents at 18. His whole career he dealt with police calls advising families on domestic issues. He calmly sat back and spoke to them about the challenges they would encounter by making this decision. When she departed the home, she had only been employed for 3 weeks and had $300 in the bank. 

Before she departed our home that Wednesday evening, we all believed that everything was fine. We had no idea that she was pretending. Without our knowledge, she was secretly taking some of her things out of the house little by little beforehand. When my other daughters noticed the missing items, she would make up excuses to hide what was really happening.

When she left on Wednesday, with her clothes and phone, her bedroom furniture, room decor, TV, and electronics remained. On Thursday, my husband offered that she could retrieve anything in her room, it was hers. On Friday, she returned with her boyfriend and another young man to swiftly move her belongings, they moved so quickly, almost as if our home was on fire.

After her departure, reminders of her presence were everywhere as the days unfolded. Each time I walked past her room, tears welled up in my eyes. Sleep evaded me, as visions of her lingered in my mind. The mere thought of eating made me nauseous. The pain in my heart was palpable, pulsating in my chest. My mind dragged me down to dark depths. While some may question the concept of physically feeling a broken heart, I believe it is indeed possible.

During the chaos that ensued, the first thing that flooded my mind was the word of God. It was not a mere afterthought, but rather a flood of His teachings that came into my mind. Despite being unable to physically read my Bible due to the headache, swollen eyes and emotional exhaustion from days of crying, instantly, the book of Job came to mind.

I relied on God and his Word, and I am grateful for the grace and kindness he showed by revealing her character flaws and the state of her faith. God can discern when someone is being insincere, a fact that we were unaware of. I am thankful that he unveiled the truth to us so that we can pray for her accordingly. Ever since the day I believed she had become a christian on June 9, 2022, I would offer a monthly prayer of gratitude, that He brought her to saving faith. I’m thinking that God must have grown weary of hearing that prayer, since he knew her deception.

We have uncovered more dishonesty since she left our household.

Our Pastor's warning to be “careful of the people in the pew next to you, they just may be the death of you”, has proven to be accurate. Her circle of friends entered her life through a member of a group she belonged to in our former church. We would experience first hand Enemies in the church, a teaching series by Pastor Billy Crone, which had been playing out in real time, in our own lives. While we had left our prior church because of the lack of bible based teaching, we didn’t severe her ties to the young adult group. We should have! 

Further revelations have shown that many within her “friend” group:

1. Identify as transgender or gay

2. Change pronouns and identities frequently 

3. Engage in drug use

4. Practice Satanism and witchcraft

5. Have strained relationships with their own parents

6. Some in the group express anti-Semitic views

7. Some in the group have extreme hatred towards law enforcement

It is understandable now, why our daughter seemed uncomfortable when the Pastor taught on the goth culture and its practices, as most of the friend group are goth. Pieces came together. 

Upon further reflection, I am filled with regret and anger towards myself for allowing her to be associated with this group of individuals. Despite my husband's strong reservations about her friend from the young adult group, our daughters deception led us to trust her character and judgment, leading us to believe that she would not be negatively influenced. Clearly, we were wrong.

She works nearby, just a 15-minute drive from our home. It's on the route that I drive when I drop off my son at his job. My 15-year-old daughter, my husband, and myself tried to keep in touch via text messages with her. While she responded to some of us, she ignored others. 

In the first few months after she left, I would sometimes take my 15-year-old daughter to visit her at her workplace. However, my 15 year old daughter lost interest in visiting her after she stopped responding to her text messages and began ignoring her. 

Since she left, she has not communicated with my 20-year-old daughter or 17-year-old son, except to decline my son's invitation to dinner on his birthday in December. 

Since her departure, she has not joined the family for any holidays or birthdays, nor have we gathered as a family. There was one instance when she had breakfast with my husband, and another when I visited her during a hospitalization, which occurred 30 days after she left home. We also had lunch together once to discuss guardianship of her minor siblings, as she had been named as guardian in our wills previously. Unfortunately, after that lunch, I lost my composure, expressed my frustration towards her and confronted her in anger. Despite apologizing to her, she has not forgiven me. Nine months after leaving, she cited this incident as the reason for cutting off contact with us. This was the first and only time in her 22 years that I raised my voice at her or lost my composure with her. However, the truth is, she had already stopped speaking to us long before the lunch where I lost my temper.

Friends, exercise caution in what you pray. Because sometimes the answers God gives will literally bring you to your knees. I jot down my daily prayers. The next day, as I revisited them after her departure, they held a completely new significance. 

On the morning of October 24, 2023, the day before her departure: “Lord, no matter what occurs, keep my eyes on you”. 

Prayed in the morning of 10/25/23 before she departed: “Lord please refocus my mind on you, on my family….” 

God has been answering those prayers, but not in the manner I had hoped for. His ways are truly beyond our ways.

It may seem insignificant to some, but the situation is far from trivial. Despite the absence of drugs, sex, pregnancy, crime, or any attempts to alter her gender, the real issue lies in the betrayal caused by her lies. Just like how Satan used lies to deceive and manipulate in the garden, my daughter has chosen to manipulate and deceive through lies. Instead of owning up to her mistakes, she has chosen to cut us out as if we were the ones at fault.

During the initial week following her departure, God graciously introduced me to 8 other women who shared their personal stories of heartbreak and differing degrees of estrangement from their adult children. These women, along with their families, became part of my daily prayers.

Initially, it was extremely difficult even attending church, as I often found myself excusing myself during the worship music, to shed tears in the bathroom.

The emotional distance from her hurts. She feels like a stranger now. It's like I never really knew her. I feel deceived. She portrayed herself as gentle, understanding, merciful, and empathetic. I long for the image of her that I held in my mind. I miss the close relationship I thought we had. I miss her being part of the family. I miss her during holidays and special occasions. I miss the family games and the laughter we shared. I miss her dry, sarcastic humor. I miss her presence at the dinner table. I miss the laughter and jokes between her and her siblings. I miss seeing her face in the hallway. I miss the comfort of knowing she's safe and healthy each night. I miss hearing her voice. I miss giving her a hug goodbye. I miss hearing about her day. I miss seeing her smile. I miss hearing about her goals and accomplishments. I miss the excitement in her eyes when she had something to share. 

As parents, we find ourselves united in missing our estranged adult children.

What steps should we take next? What’s Next?