What’s Next?
Our adult children are currently estranged from us, so what actions should we take? What are we to do now?
There is a plethora of advice available in the world, but as Christians, our primary focus should be on what God instructs us to do. At times, our minds may lead us to dark places, filled with sadness, worry, self-doubt, regret, or anger. However, it is important to have faith in God and to seek guidance from His Word in order to transform our thoughts and follow His direction.
It is crucial for us to prioritize our spiritual growth by deepening our understanding of God's teachings. Developing a strong foundation in God's word will truly transform our lives and bring clarity to our struggles.
It's completely normal to feel overwhelmed by a flood of emotions. But remember, God has provided us with the antidote for every struggle through his word - we just need to learn how to find it and how to put it into practice.
How can I navigate through my pain and overcome the hurt I am feeling? What steps should I take moving forward? How do I put on the Armor of God? How can God’s word help me move from heartbreak to hope?
Proper comprehension of the Bible is crucial for our spiritual growth. We need to discern, what is for us (the church), what is for Israel, and what is yet to come.
The bible talks about going from “milk” to “meat”. Delving into the Jewish roots of our Christian faith is essential for this purpose.
I have been greatly encouraged by and recommend the Testimony of Dr. Arnold Fruchtenbaum from Ariel Ministries. Despite being kicked out by his father for his faith in Jesus the Messiah, Dr. Fruchtenbaum persevered to become a world renowned expert in the Jewish roots of the Bible. He shares how God provided him with a family among fellow believers, even as his parents refused to communicate with him. Unfortunately, his father never made amends, and it was only after his father's passing that his mother reached out to him. For more insight, you can also explore the book Chosen Fruit the Personal Life Story of Dr. Arnold Fruchtenbaum along with the Ariel magazine issue of Spring 2023, dedicated to his late wife Mary Ann. For those of us who are dealing with the hurt of estrangement, Dr. Fruchtenbaum’s testimony and faith in God can provide us great encouragement.
These resources have been instrumental in my spiritual growth and development and I hope they can help you too.
Check out the materials below. I have provided details of each book but if you click on the book image, it will take you to the website. These are just some of the amazing teaching resources by Dr. Fruchtenbaum. Please explore his website for so much more!
Yeshua The Life of Messiah: This will take you through the gospels in Chronological order. Glean an understanding of the gospel, the parables, and all the teachings of Jesus the Messiah.
The Footsteps of the Messiah: Gain a comprehensive understanding of Eschatology (the study of last days). Using the Book of Revelation as an end time road map, Dr. Fruchtenbaum weaves the prophetic writings of the Hebrew Scriptures and Messiah's teachings to reveal God's plan for the future of Israel and the world.
The Come and See studies: A multi-volume collection of Messianic Bible studies that covers all topics of systematic theology. Each of the chapters contain challenging questions and study suggestions that make this series an excellent tool for anyone who desires to acquire a deeper understanding of the basic truths of the Bible. *Some of the come and see studies are provided free under their ariel.org resource page, without the discussion questions, however the studies provided in book format in some cases have expanded material. I recommend every volume!
Volume 1 : (The Word of God) deals with the Bible itself, it's revelatory nature and covenantal framework.
Volum e 2: (What We Know About God) examines the nature, attributes, and trinity of God, as well as many other important topics, including the names of God in the Old and New Testament and what they tell us about His character and work.
Volume 3: (Messiah Yeshua, Divine Redeemer) is a comprehensive study of the Son of God.
V olume 4: (Ruach HaKodesh) considers the person and work of the Holy Spirit.
Volume 5: (A Study of the Angelic Realm) investigates both the good and the evil realities of the unseen world.
Volume 6: (Man and Sin) presents the biblical view of the origin and nature of man and his fall into sin, as well as the origin and nature of sin.
Volum e 7: (The Soteriology of the Bible) explores the basis, nature, results, and application of the atonement wrought by the Messiah's death.
The Law then and Now, What about Grace? by John Metzger: Comprehend the distinction between the Law of Moses and the Law of Messiah. The law of Moses was made inoperative, and was never a law for the gentiles to follow. The law of Messiah is what we as believers are to follow today. How should we be living as Christians today? Does the Law of Messiah teach that any of the 10 commandments still apply? Do I understand that things God promised to Israel do not apply to the church in most cases?
I highly recommend all the educational resources available from Dr. Arnold Fruchtenbaum at Ariel.org. You will find studies to help you understand the whole of scripture. His Commentary series (not pictured) is a treasure for any bible study library. There are so many great materials and courses at his website.
*Every July and December they graciously offer a 30% off sale.
suggestions:
Helpful Bible Study Tips
This teaching linked below has really helped me familiarize myself with proper methods of studying the Bible, creating a personal home Bible study library, and identifying the most accurate translations that remain faithful to the original Hebrew and Greek texts.
Be sure to explore both the New and Old Testaments when reading the Bible. Without understanding the Old Testament, the New Testament will not make sense. Remember to read entire chapters to grasp the full context, rather than just focusing on isolated verses. Incorporate a notebook where you keep any questions you have as you read your bible.
Methodical bible study Arnold Fruchtenbaum Ariel Ministries (This is an audio only Teaching but the video teaching is available on Ariel.org)
Focus on the omnipotence of God
Try Focusing on the Omnipotence of God by examining the Bible thoroughly and highlighting every passage that emphasizes His power. Psalm 104 is a great example of this. Recognizing the immense power of God enables us to place our trust in Him, depend on Him, and draw closer to Him. Personally, I find great inspiration in the chapters of Job, particularly when God begins to speak. I enjoy immersing myself in those chapters repeatedly. The entire Bible is filled with instances of God's power! As you delve into the scriptures with a focus on His might, you will be amazed at what you discover. Taking time to contemplate how insignificant we are in comparison to God's omnipotence is truly humbling. Acknowledging the vastness of God can instantly transform your mood.
Put on the armor of God
The Armor of God is found in our Position in Christ (Our Identity in Christ). Our identity goes beyond the role of being a Mother. Don't let the focus on loss consume you. God has a purpose for your life here. Despite our pain and heartbreak, we can live with joy in our hearts again.
From the study on Immortality by Ariel Ministries: Philippians 3:20 tells us that the believers citizenship is in heaven. What that means practically is that all our trials and tribulations in this life, do not need to be taken to the point of depression. But can be looked upon with the attitude, “This too shall pass, my citizenship is in heaven.”
We have been given the gift of eternal life, and there is more to come. Look forward with excitement and live with the mindset of earning those eternal rewards.
Identity in Christ Study - Dr. Arnold Fruchtenbaum Rewards Teaching Series - Pastor Brandon Holthaus
write things down
Keeping a written record of your prayers can be really helpful. If you're looking to learn more about praying God’s will, check out these studies on prayer at Ariel Ministries for some great insights.
The Principles of Prayer The Three types of Prayer The Conditions of Prayer The Components and Content of Prayer
And don't forget, jotting down your prayers is a great way to keep track of the answers you receive.
Draft your own “ Psalms ”. Similar to how King David poured out his heart in some of his Psalms, we can also confide in God about our grief and heartache in our own “Psalms”. Since the day my daughter departed, I have maintained a notebook where I record similar thoughts. The contents of which are meant for my eyes and God's alone.
Wide Margin or Journaling bibles: A wide margin bible offers ample space for personal notes and reflections. To commerate each year, I begin a new wide margin or journaling bible, filling it with study notes, meanings of bible names, writing in cross references, prayers, and more. I use colorful tabs to notate scripture I want to be able to find quickly. It's also a wonderful tool to look back over and track my spiritual growth.
I am contemplating the use of a wide margin bible that I previously gifted to my daughter, which she left behind. The margins would serve as a repository for my prayers for her, hopes for her, and dreams for her. I would also mark out scripture passages. Whether I would choose to present it to her someday or keep it as a private communication between myself and God remains uncertain at this point.
Maintain a journal. Whenever you wish to communicate something to your estranged adult child, write it down as if you are speaking directly to them. Alternatively, you can create videos or audio recordings in a similar manner. Perhaps one day you will decide to pass them on to your son or daughter. Perhaps one day you will feel the urge to read your journals or watch/listen to your recordings.
Since the day my daughter has departed I have kept a similar journal. One practice I have adopted while journaling through this heartbreak, is going back and revisiting my prior entries periodically, to note down the date and write in the margins what God has answered, either by way of study in his Holy Word or by information provided to us . There have been instances where what I expressed in my journal was later addressed by God, such as when I discovered the deception behind her departure. We had been questioning why she went about it in this deceptive manner. Upon receiving that revelation, I documented it in the margin. I cannot emphasize enough how profound it is to connect with God in the midst of my sorrow in this manner.
Create A list of Gratitude - In the front pages of my planner I keep track of things I am grateful for, adding one thing to the list each day. Additionally, the other day I decided to make a list of all the things that make me grateful to have had my daughter, to have had her in my life for 21 years. I hope that one day I can see a photograph of her or hear her name without feeling a wave of sadness wash over me, but I’m not there yet.
Betrayal
Explore the theme of Betrayal : Take the time to delve into the bible and examine the instances where God has experienced betrayal, as well as the betrayals of others in the bible. Discovering how individuals in the bible have dealt with betrayal can provide valuable insights and help in gaining a wider perspective on personal pain and grief. Engaging with these examples has been instrumental in helping me process my own experience of betrayal.
Word Studies
Try delving into detailed “word” studies in the Bible. This method provides a valuable way to explore the scriptures with the help of a concordance. The Strongest NASB Exhaustive Concordance is my preferred choice.
For instance, researching “Grief”, along with its equivalents like Sorrow, Anguish, Pain, Distress, Agony, Torment, Affliction, Suffering, Heartache, Heartbreak, Broken-heartedness, etc.
Try reading the passage in Hebrew and Greek, transcribed into English. Biblehub has a tab on their website allowing you that option.
Cross-References
Employ your Cross-reference Bible to dig in to explore the meaning of a passage more deeply. I have a preference for Lockman's NASB reference Bibles. This technique is particularly useful for me when delving into Proverbs and aiming to grasp the full meaning.
Additional Recommended Resources
Heartache to Hope Youtube Channel with fantastic bible studies from Dr. Arnold Fruchtenbaum and Chris Savage of Ariel Ministries Australia branch arranged in playlists. Eric Vear’s The Life of Messiah in His Jewish Context - Based on Dr. Fruchtenbaum's Yeshua Life of Messiah - this has questions for study and discussion.
Drop Box File on The biblical model of Apologies and Forgiveness Drop Box File on Anger Newly added: Drop box file - Showing who “Jehovah is” to the Jehovah Witness from their own “scripture”. Coping With Crisis - Pastor Brandon Holthaus. This is a counseling series addressing Anger, Depression, Dealing with Hurt, Dealing with Anxiety. Sermon on Betrayal by Pastor Brandon Holthaus. Anger - Pastor Brandon Holthaus teaching on The Roots of Anger from the Iron Sharpens Iron series Spiritual Warfare - Pastor Brandon Holthaus Laura Perry Transgender To Transformed
His Way Out Ministries Pastor Phillip Lee
Get A Life Media - Pastor Billy Crone of Sunrise Bible church. His studies of World Religions, Cults and the Occult are extremely informative. The studies are also available in book and DVD format. Jacques Issac Gabizon of Beth Ariel Canada A Marriage Built to Last - Pastor Billy Crone, also available in book format. Tip of the Spear Ministries - Pastor Brandon Holthaus of Rock Harbor Church Why do the Wicked Prosper? Pastor Brandon Holthaus Mottel Baleston - Messianic Jewish Ministry sharing Messiah YeshuaReasoning from the Scriptures - Ron Rhodes - These books can be purchased on Amazon and are very helpful in regard to apologetics.
*Though I could not list them all, you will find so may excellent teachings on the websites of Pastor Billy Crone, Pastor Brandon Holthaus, and Dr. Arnold Fruchtenbaum.
Final thoughts
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The book of Job reveals that there was a lot happening behind the scenes that Job didn’t know about. As readers, we are truly fortunate to have a glimpse behind the spiritual curtain.
This trial with my daughter is really strengthening my trust in God. Reminding me of His amazing power. It’s reinforcing the truth, that my ultimate hope, rest, peace, and joy come from God alone, not from anyone else in this world, including my children.
God’s grace was evident when I learned that our daughter is not a believer, leading me to pray for her with clarity, for her salvation. Since October 2023, God has been kind in showing me, through His word, the betrayals He endures daily.
His word promises His justice will prevail, and I need not seek revenge for my hurt. I have faith that He will repay all wrongdoing, especially for those who reject Jesus. Though I may not witness it firsthand. I trust that His justice will prevail.
What does Satan want? How does he come after believers in Jesus Christ? What is his role in God’s plan? Does everything “bad” that happens come from Satan? How does he use our sin nature to influence us? This study on Satanology will help answer all those questions.
I created an audio note one night as I was driving to pick up my son, parsing out what is going on in my life and contrasting Satan’s “ways” verses God’s ways. I’m sharing it here in case some of this resonates with you too.
Satan desires nothing more than to bring destruction into my life. He longs to see me turn away from God, just as he attempted to do with Job. His ultimate goal is to shake my faith, make me doubt God, and lead me to live according to worldly ways.
By tempting me into seeking revenge fueled by my hurt or anger, he aims to tarnish my Christian testimony, cause me to lose eternal rewards, and damage my relationship with God. Satan delights in my suffering, weakness, self-pity, and self-centeredness, knowing it hinders my focus on God, prevents me from spreading the gospel, obstructs my spiritual growth, and leads me to make harmful decisions. He seeks to provoke discord within my family, causing rifts between myself, my husband, and our other children. His desire is to instill feelings of worthlessness and despair in me, making me feel incapable, lost, and utterly miserable in my heartbreak.
He is trying to prevent me from experiencing the happiness that comes from God and the fulfillment that comes from following Jesus Christ and putting his teachings into practice. He wants me to dwell on the negative and overlook the blessings in my life.
He wants me to grieve and blame myself as to why my daughter made certain choices. He wants me to feel ashamed and guilty, even though I have done nothing wrong, and have been a victim of lies. He wants me to abandon my strong biblical foundation to “win” my daughter back. He desires for me to seek solace in her, instead of turning to God to heal my broken heart. He desires for me to feel worthless, lonely, and sorrowful. He desires for me to take my life. He desires for me to bear the blame or to place blame on my husband. He desires for my bond with my other children to be shattered, even though my other children are nothing like her.
I often reflect on the trials faced by our Lord Jesus as he walked the earth. I also recall the struggles of Isaiah, Jeremiah, Stephen, Paul, Peter, James, and so many others in the bible. Please don’t misunderstand, of course I am not equating myself with them, but acknowledging that the closer we draw to God, the more immense our challenges.
I have to constantly remind myself not to be consumed by bitterness, as it will lead me down a destructive path. I reflect on the sacrifice that Jesus made for me on the cross, and I hold on to that in my heart. I reflect on how God sees me because of what Jesus did for me. I must not allow bitterness to consume me because of what transpired. Satan wants me to be a victim! But God says I am a survivor!
In prayer on May 1, 2024 I was pouring out my heart to the Lord, and into my mind came the remembrance of what the Lord said to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9: “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.”
In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 Paul says ”Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.“
I went to this passage in the greek to get the full meaning of what Paul is teaching here.
Paul implored the Lord 3 times to remove (desist) from his flesh (body, human nature) a thorn (a point or prickle), a messenger (angel) from Satan (the adversary) that God put in place to keep Paul from becoming conceited based on all the spiritual revelation that God gave to him. This angel from Satan, tormented Paul. (The tormenting is of to strike as with the fist, mistreat violently.) But God said “My grace (graciousness of manner or act) is sufficient (to keep off, assist, I suffice, pass, to be satisfied, to ward off, to avail) for you, for my (miraculous) power is perfected (I end, finish, I fulfill, I accomplish, I pay, complete, execute, conclude, discharge) in (a relation of rest) in weakness (feebleness, frailty, malady). Therefore Paul said he would boast (I glory {exult} proudly) all the more gladly (most gladly, pleasantly, with great pleasure) in his weakness (feebleness, frailty, malady) so that the miraculous power of Jesus Christ, the Messiah, may rest (to raise a tent over, dwell, spread a tabernacle over, to tent upon, to abide with) on Paul. He goes on to say, That is why (consequently), for the sake of Christ, I delight (to be well pleased, think it good, be resolved, to think well of, approve) in (a relation of rest), weakness (feebleness, malady, frailty), in (a relation of rest) insults (injury, outrage, damage, loss), in (a relation of rest) hardships (distress), in persecutions (chase, pursuit) difficulties (a narrow space, great distress, anguish, calamity), for whenever I am weak (physically, to be sick, to be feeble) then I am (I exist) strong (powerful, able, of things possible, capable).
We are able to endure this pain by staying focused on God and staying firmly grounded in our Bibles. As our spiritual maturity develops, we view our pain and hardships through a biblical perspective, as Paul does. God’s word fills our hearts and minds, providing the sole source of comfort that enables us to press on, to persevere even when the journey seems daunting. The stronger we grow in God’s word, the easier it is to recall to memory, the appropriate scripture needed to change our thoughts, as if changing a TV channel.
I recall our Pastor’s encouragement: “You will get through this!” I am confident that he is correct! Despite the set backs and challenges, I will persevere. You will also persevere!
O Taste and see that the Lord is good; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!
Psalm 34:8
